Things that pissed me off this week...

This week, I have mostly been hating

• Finding out that lookbook is no longer invite only...bring on the deluge of mediocre ensembles modelled by 13 year old girls/gays/former American Apparel Models.
• The extreme dearth of halloween costumes for women that don't have the word 'sexy' as a prefix i.e. sexy werewolf, sexy witch, sexy used syringe etc
• Everybody changing their facebook profile pics every two days in a sort of photoblog of escalating hilarity and youthful frolics. I am, unlike everyone else it seems, getting older and more responsible every second...I've been rotating the last three (only three) pics I have of me not staring moodily into the mid-distance or so drunk I seem to have lost control of my left eyelid for the last two years.
• My best (only) friend being so far away and in possession of money with which she would otherwise buy me lots of wine.
• The realisation that although I look so much better i.e actually female with long hair, it is in such bad condition that it needs atleast five inches chopped off to save the remainder. I keep telling myself it's ok, I had short hair before, I can totally rock it! Then I see a picture of myself with short hair and remember how children used to ask me if I was a boy or a girl.
• Seeing a film presentation I was in and realising I have a very weak chin.
• Being bombarded with catalogues, discount vouchers and emails telling me how little time there is left to do my christmas shopping. Maybe I'm Jewish, maybe I'm a loner who's family moved town without telling me when I was 17, maybe I'm just a miserable bitch who fucking hates christmas. I'm none of these things but that's not the point, if I could go shopping nothing would stop me, I don't need reminders to tell me there's a time-limit on the biggest consumer event of the year. Some people are just broke, OK?
• Grain. There was waaay too much in my yoghurt today, I want to be a little healthier and give a little texture to my snack not develop a glossy hide and increase my milk yield, thanks.

Chock-full of fail...and rankness

Just read this and I must say...before you see for yourself, stop eating. Stop eating and don't start eating again for a good hour before and after reading it. Enjoy!

http://jezebel.com/5664007/10-of-the-the-grossest-stories-youll-ever-read

When playing with your food pays off...

Check out these amazing 'Food Landscapes' created and photographed by Carl Warner. He sketches his ideas then hand makes the entire scene out of fresh produce...my mind is officially blown. Also a little hungry now.


This landscape is made with physalis 'lanterns', noodle 'decking', bok choi 'river' and plenty of broccoli...also spotted a fortune cookie on the left!



This captures my imagination perfectly...a sleepy Christmassy village made out of baked goods. Thank you Lord.



Awesome tropical island with coconuts, kumquats, pineapples, romanesco cauliflower and even kiwi fish.



Italian theme here with pasta curtains and fields, houses made from parmesan and a little ravioli cushion.

There's a chocolate one but I'm afraid that's been filed in my personal fantasybank in case my boyfriend ever leaves me.

DailyFail

Ever been totally confused as to what kind of lover you were? Just check your underwear! Or so the Daily Mail would have us believe. 'Expert' Donna Dawson has shared her pearls of infinite wisdom with us (Oh, joy) and for those of you that thought your choice of nude coloured undies meant that it was wash day, rejoice! For truly it is a sign of a  

'natural, easy-going, down-to-earth and transparent (woman). This woman is relaxed, with nothing to hide.'

Nothing except the enormous pile of dirty laundry extruding from every basket, cupboard and drawer in her room.
Perhaps you prefer white underwear? How could anybody possibly read anything into a simple, white bra? Your naivete just proves Donna's point, you see

'A white bra denotes a personality that is innocent but open-to-suggestion. A woman who opts for a white bra is usually a willing learner.'

Don't think you red-bra wearing jezebels have gotten away with it, either.

'A red bra denotes a personality that is passionate, energetic, dramatic and driven.'

Wow...I can't believe the incredible insights this is giving me into my own bra-wearing habits. Of course, I have bras in pretty much every colour of the rainbow so either I'm an innocent, dramatic, down-to-earth, driven, relaxed, passionate, easy-going willing learner...or that article is a massive pile of bullshit.

FashionWin

BalmainRTWSS11, originally uploaded by TheLifeFailElite.

It's not all doom and gloom here, honest! Here's a pic from Balmain's RTW S/S11 collection...grunge is definately back and yes...leather is here to stay (Hooray!). Plus Freja Beha Erichsen is amazing. Wouldn't she make a perfect Lisbeth Salander?
A word to the wise...don't ditch those straighteners just yet, grungey outfits call for glossy, well-groomed hair because really, only models can pull the 'just got fucked in a dumpster' look off.
Image:GoRunway/Indigital

FashionFail

pixielottFF, originally uploaded by TheLifeFailElite.

Ok, at first glance this looks ok...but then wait...what's that? Leopard print fur? Nora Batty OTK socks? Pixie, there's what's right and what's right and never the twain shall meet. By the twain I mean leopard print and fur. Yes, they're both 'in' but Jesus woman, please not together. I cannot comment on the socks. They are atleast fifteen shades of wrong. In light of these appalling atrocities I shall let go the minor misdemeanor that is the dress. In short, if you are a 6'4 pensioner with a penchant for swinging, this outfit will totally work for you. If not...don't pull a Lott.

DailyFail

Ooh look, women are having unnecessary surgery to look younger! Holy shit. Thank you Captain Obvious and various other 90’s sitcom catchphrases. I wonder if it has anything to do with said newspaper(Giant woman/gay/immigrant-hating shitstorm) constantly writing ‘articles’ about how so-and-so has ‘ballooned’ in weight (put on 3 pounds), revealed a hint of cellulite/stretchmarks or otherwise deviated from the image of perfection they so rightly expect of the world’s women. But wait, no…constant scrutiny of your looks could never lead to insecurity, right? Nobody’s really so shallow that they base a persons worth entirely on their looks, are they? Oh yeah, the Daily Mail is. But just to show how caring they are, here…have an article about how women feel pressured into trying to maintain an impossible standard of beauty and eternal youth. Thanks, DM. You make blogging so easy.

Introducing...

The writers of this blog are two women in their early twenties(OK, nearly mid twenties) who need an outlet for their disappointment, shame and unending mirth at their own and other’s lamentable lifeskills. We are Feena and Nona, we are The Life Fail Elite. 

Be Good!
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